3.15.2012
Traumend - a fan fiction
Posted at 9:06:00 pm
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He comes to my apartment today. It is
like the same thing happen in this several month of our relationship. Sometimes
he talks a lot. Sometimes it is just silence. Like what happens today.
He
replies with a nope answer. Full stop. He opens his laptop on the dining table,
puts his earphone on the left ear, starts working AND here come the great silence.
I eat my dinner by myself and he is busy
with his laptop. We are together but we seems distant to each other. I still do
not know about him. I look on him pensively. I play with my spoon. Then I spoon
the food to my mouth v e r y s l o w l y.
Yong Junhyung gets annoyed easily.
Sometimes you do not really know what is wrong, but he is mad at you and you
cannot help yourself when he is mad. On the contrary, when I mad to him, he
ignores me.
It
is unfair, my head says. And
hell yeah, I get crazy because of this person and because I love him. I glare
at him and lose my appetite. I shovel my food and swallow it quickly.
Have
you noticed me when I am thinking about you too much like this? I
look on the white dining table. He is
unable to feel the way I am thinking now. His body is here but his mind is
non-existent.
“Why are you sighing like that? Eat your
dinner faster.”
Hell yeah. I am not
alone right now. He is with me. How can I forget his existence?
I
grab a glass of water, gulp it and clench my fist.
“I am thinking about you, Jun.”
“Hmm?” he is still busy with his laptop.
“I don’t think you love me. You are
distant for me and I think we are not in a relationship at all when you do not
respect me”
He
keeps clicking.
I
sigh.
“Like this.”
He stops his work and looks at me
sharply. It is still cold. I can feel a lump of ice from your sight. Am I worth to you? Do you even count me when
I can stand by you on your hardship? Do you know how much I love you and how I
sacrifice myself to pursue my dream- you?
“What is your purpose on coming to my
apartment?” I shout to him.
“To accompany you, of course!” he shouts
at me back.
“Then, how come you call this as accompany?”
“Now, you don’t allow me to do my work?
Fine!”
“It’s not about your work, Junhyung! At
least give me five minutes to have a chat or any kind of communication like
what other couples do. Five minutes will not ruin your work, you know!”
He
lost his word. I know that he clenches his jaws. I flounce out the dining room.
“Ri-in!1”
I
run to my bed and let the warm substance flow on my cheeks.
“SOORIN!”
I
slam the door and weep bitterly.
.
Traumend is wound. Germans know this thing. Dream can
spoil your life and hurts you badly. It is wound. It is trauma. The word
traumend means dream in German.
I
was the one who dream of being your girlfriend, Jun. I don’t care whether you
think the same way as I am. If you want to break up, I will give you chance. I
do not mind about it, Yong Junhyung. It is enough. More than enough.
***
We have a breakfast in the canteen. It’s
Lee Gikwang– a best friend of mine –and I. Not Junhyung and I. Gikwang always
accompany me and listen to my whines – of course it always about Junhyung. He never
defends nor scapegoats for Junhyung- but one thing is he almost every time
asking me to give up on him. However, he is a nice friend who has the shoulder
to cry. But yes, I never and will never
cry to this man.
I bite my croissant a bit and sip my hot
chocolate. It is a nice morning where only a few people around us. I need a
kind of silent treatment after my outburst to Junhyung last night. Thanks God,
the creature in front of me doesn’t speak any word too. Maybe he already knows about
this, but how come?
“Your eye bags”, he said
“Huh?”
“You should eat well and take plenty of
rest. Did you sleep well last night?”
“Not quite.”
I
sigh.
Gikwang
seems understand about my condition. He throws a please-not-Junhyung-anymore
look.
“Yes, it’s Junhyung.”
And
he sighs.
Oh yeah, it is me the
one who is a cliché or he really can read my mind, only heaven knows.
We
continue our breakfast silently.
You know, it is strange but, when I have
the silent like this, I just feel comfortable. It’s not strange at all. I mean,
the silence is the same, right. But why it feels differently?
“Is there any resonance for silence?”
“Pardon me?”
“You know, sound have its resonance. Don’t
you think that silence also have the resonance?”
“It has.”
“You tell me.”
We
continue our breakfast with the conversation until I scream like hell.
“Gosh! How can it is already 8.10!”
Gikwang
shrugs his shoulder and smiles. He pats my head.
“Calm down. Goodbye and wish you luck…”
I
smile to him and say goodbye. What did he do? Now my heart feels lighter than before.
I rush to open the door. The co-worker notices me as I arrive.
“No
problem. The boss hasn’t come yet. You should have some design for A-Pink
costumes. Here is the description and the concept for the performance.”
“Suuuure..” I read the instruction
follows,” It’s so cute! Okay, thanks!”
***
I gulp down a glass coffee and fill the
glass again impatiently to gulp it down. I need this freaking caffeine to fight
my weak body.
“Whoa... Hold it down, Soorin-sshi2.
It is already the fourth glass,” says Cyclops-my co-worker seriously.
“You can take a rest… You just fill
yourself with poisonous chemical later. Go!”
I
really feel bad about myself; I make Cyclops worry about me.
“No, thank you. That’s a kind of you,
Cyclops.”
“You have to, Soorin.” a strong voice
comes from the front part of my office.
“You don’t have the right to do so.” I
burst out angrily.
Cyclops
comes out and stares at him. “Is that true?”
I
ignore both of them and start working. Junhyung grabs my wrist.
“Ri-in, this is not what you …”
“What’s the matter with you? I feel
fine, Jun. And yes, I certainly say, we can break up today, if you wish”
“Soorin!”
“What? You shout at me? It’s an old
trick, Jun! You just cannot do this thing over and over again.”
“Look, don’t you know that those
managers were getting crazy because somebody post our photos. That is why this
relationship case arises.”
“Whoa whoa! Don’t you know that recently
many people cursed at me? No? If you care about your career, I care about my
life. You’ve got a better girlfriend, eh? It’s a good news. And you can be more
relaxed since our gossip is over, that’s another good news. And you know what,
all you got is good news. Congratulation!”
“It’s. NOT. like. what. you. think.
Soorin! Now listen to me…”
“Could you please quiet it down? Thank
you!”
“Ri-in..”
I
ignore him; wish that he could leave the room soon. He glares at me sternly. I
never see a glare like that– if looks could kill. He clenches his fist and
leaves the room after somebody calls upon. I begin to sob.
“You…”
“No, Cyclops, Not today…”
“Okay, Soorin. I hope you can do your
work well,” Cyclops replies awkwardly.
I
try so hard to concentrate and keep working. My head feels so heavy. No, I can win this game of life. I am strong
than anybody in this world. This thing won’t kill me at all.
***
Trapped in this very feeling had made my
eyes swelled up so bad. I just gave blank glazes to the TV programs. The
gossips were killing me. It was he and she. It was Junhyung and a girl from a
famous girl band. I knew they were just trying to cope with our gossip, which
slowly spread in the social media. I knew Junhyung needs his fans to feed
himself. I knew that his management company hired him needs money to feed their
family. I knew Junhyung is a money machine for them. One thing, did they ever
think of the wounded lover here? I have been wounded by his ignorant. Now, I could
feel a real knife stabbing right inside my heart. I began to sob again.
“Soorin..”
I
really wished it were Junhyung, I knew it was somebody else. I wiped my tears
quickly and whispered loudly.
“It’s unlocked, Gikwang…”
Gikwang
opened the door slowly and shut the door.
“Hey…”
“Sorry that I’m messed up…”
“No no no.. It’s fine, babe… “
He
sat beside me so closely and began staring at me sadly.
“What? Do I look like an idiot too you?”
I tried to joke around and laugh. He didn’t give any crack, I thought I just
worsen the situation.
“You know that it was just a cheap
gossip, Soorin-ah3…”
“Even if it is a truth, I dare to
receive it, Kwangie…”
“Listen, you have your life, you deserve
for it. How maaaaaaany times I’ve said about it. You just don’t deserve with
that guy! I remind you, Soorin-ah. You are far more, a way too worth than that
guy.”
I sigh. I was about to cry. You know, I have been hurt by Junhyung, and
always fight for our relationship. It is hard and this is harder than I
thought. Doubled with his non-existence.
“If you don’t have your life, I am
willing to let you have my life…”
“What are you talking about, Kwangie?”
Gikwang hold my shoulder, kissed me on
my lips, and then he embraced me warmly. I could not hold my tears anymore. I
cried on his chest and fell asleep tiredly on him.
I find myself curled up in the morning,
on my sofa. I remember Gikwang’s kiss and wish that it were only a dream.
***
We take a sit at a city park. Thanks God
we live in Korea. Korea is astonishing countries when it has passed 12am.
Everything goes quiet. It is only the two of us in this very morning. I am
really glad that I live in this perfect country.
“You don’t sleep, Soorin-ah?”
“Do you?” and we chuckle unreasonably.
“I don’t think I can’t sleep well
recently…”
“Hmmm”, he nods, “me too…”
“Why, Kwangie?”
“Recalling some sleepless day in the
past when I’m unable to keep somebody awake…” he chuckles yet my cheeks flame.
“So, you really came to my apartment
that day?”
“What do you think?” he asks playfully.
I punch his back, curse him and jump to another topic. We have a nice
conversation in this very morning. Well, at least I can control my coffee
consumption today even I have another sleepless day. I am contented for this
day. I know my life design. It seems that I can foresee my bright future with
the person beside me. At least, I have pursued my dream as a costume designer.
I look upon the sky and smile.
The euphoria ends when I pick up my
phone. My ex is calling.
Note:
1. Ri-in:
pronounced as “Reeeen”, a kind of pet name for couple.
2. –sshi:
a suffix, it is used as addressing people in polite manner.
3. –ah:
a suffix, it is used as addressing people in friendly manner
Labels: another castle, ex, heart broken, love, relationship, sad