7.07.2023
07-07-2023 Posted at 2:50:00 pm 0 comments (+)

Back in the days of passion and love, my partner and I made a kind of funny ideas. We both forgot our "day" when we were together. So, in convenience, we used every beautiful date like today. The last time we used the day was 18-08-18. We broke up shortly after that. The relationship vanished. Just like that. I didn't put myself in unpleasant emotions. Instead of facing the turmoils, I chose to date again to numb the pain. Since then, I was never be single. One heart leaded to another. All of the expense of not processing the pain I had to face.

Currently I am single. I tried my best not to make any relationship despite the fact that there were (or are?) invitations for me to have a relationship. Instead of putting myself in a relationship which probably going to doom to be broken again, I put myself to therapies. Finding my insecurities, fears, and all of the pain I've been carrying since whatever time I remember. Or not. I found it's much healing for me to reparent myself, being vulnerable, and connect in healthy ways possible.

A lot of things has been changing. Some remain the same. The thing is, I'm successfully regulating my emotions and thoughts. If I'm feeling triggered, I know what I need to do.

I miss being in a relationship, of course. But, if it's for the expense of losing and numbing myself again, I'd rather not doing it. If I'm in the relationship once more, I'd bring my best and worst self. For the better or for worse. Because I believe, being vulnerable is the key I have to connect with my partner. I'll take care of myself for now.

2.27.2020
Bitter Love (NCT Fanfiction) Introduction Posted at 11:20:00 pm 0 comments (+)
Terkadang hidup membawamu kepada jalan yang tidak ingin kamu tempuh. Jalan itu adalah jalan yang harus kamu lewati agar kamu menghargai sebuah perjalanan dalam hidupmu. Pada akhirnya, sebuah perjalanan tidak ditentukan dari keinginanmu melainkan dari langkah yang kamu ambil.

***

Siang terik di pertengahan bulan Juni menandai akhir semester sekolah. Murid-murid SMA Negeri 3 Kota Malang mulai menikmati liburan, tak terkecuali Renjun yang sedang asyik membaca berita terbaru mengenai panasnya situasi politik AS. Sebagai ketua ekstrakurikuler debat, ia tak mungkin melewatkan berita terbaru sebagai bahan untuk membangun kasus debat. Pikirannya tiba-tiba teralih oleh ponselnya yang bergetar beberapa kali. Ia melirik notifikasi ponselnya sekilas. Kemudian ia membaca sebaris doa dengan terbelalak.
Innalilahi wa innalilali rojiun.....
Renjun cepat-cepat membuka notifikasi tersebut. Berita grup Whatsapp sekolahnya mengabarkan bahwa Ketua OSIS kehilangan kedua orang tuanya dalam kecelakaan tunggal. Renjun bergegas bersiap untuk melawat.

***

Renjun telah tiba di kediaman Ahmad Pratama. Ia memeluk Ahmad sesaat, menepuk pundaknya dan mengucapkan bela sungkawa. Kemudian, dia duduk di kursi sambil melihat tamu yang datang. Dia melihat sesosok tinggi yang tak asing, Jeno. Jeno adalah ketua klub basket di SMA Negeri 3 Kota Malang. Jeno dan Renjun sering menoreh prestasi di bidang mereka masing-masing. Jeno menatap balik Renjun dan memilih untuk duduk di sebelah Renjun.
"Wes suwe ta, bro 1?", tanya Jeno pada Renjun.
"Gak. Barusan aja.", Renjun menjawab dengan nada datar.
"Kapan dikubur almarhum dan almarhumah?"
"Maeng jam 10 jare info ndik grup. Aku yo sik tas ngerti awan iki tekan grup. 2"
Jeno mengangguk-nganggukkan kepalanya. Setelah beberapa lama terdiam, murid-murid SMA Negeri 3 Kota Malang tampak beranjak dari kediaman Ahmad Pratama. Jeno dan Renjun pun mengikuti mereka dan pulang ke rumah mereka masing-masing.

***

Tak terasa bulan Juni telah berakhir. Tahun ajaran baru itu merupakan babak akhir perjalanan Renjun dan Jeno di masa SMA. Dalam tradisi SMA Negeri 3 Malang di awal semester, ada banyak hal yang harus dilakukan murid kelas 12 sebagai tanda kenangan sebelum mereka beranjak kuliah. Murid kelas 12 yang tergabung dalam OSIS harus bekerja ekstra keras awal semester itu.

OSIS yang kebanyakan saat ini kelas 12 harus mempersembahkan rangkaian acara mulai bulan Juli hingga puncaknya November. Bulan Juli merupakan bulan masa orientasi murid kelas 10. Bulan Agustus diwarnai keceriaan kemerdekaan Republik Indonesia. Bulan September merupakan bulan kampanye ketua OSIS baru. Bulan Oktober menandai bulan bahasa dan pemilu raya. Bulan November menjadi puncak rangkaian acara yaitu Pentas Seni yang disusul dengan pelepasan jabatan OSIS ataupun ketua ekstrakurikuler.

Tepat seminggu sebelum masuk sekolah, Renjun mendapat chat Whatsapp dari Pak Kim Doyoung, pembina OSIS SMA Negeri 3 Kota Malang.

Seluruh ketua ekstrakulikuler harap berkumpul hari ini di Aula jam 12 siang.

Kim Doyoung

Tumben ketua ekstrakulikuler dikumpulin segala, pikir Renjun. Renjun melirik jamnya. Baru jam 8. Ia pun bersiap untuk mandi dan mengirim chat pada Haechan, sobat anggota debatnya.

Chan, lapo se iki kok ketua ekskul kudu kumpul barang? 3

Haechan yang sedang online membalas chat Renjun dengan cepat.

Lha? Gak ngerti ta? Si Ahmad pindah ke Madiun ikut si mbah. Iki waka OSISe kan ngglendemi.  4 Sebenernya Ayu teges, tapi kondisinya dia cuma dapet jabatan sekretaris, kan.

Renjun membaca chat itu dan memutar bola matanya. Politik sekolah, umpatnya dalam hati. Bagus Cahyono adalah anak "titipan" DPRD Kota Malang. Sudah jadi rahasia umum jika ada jual beli kursi penerimaan murid SMA di Kota Malang. Bagus lebih top lagi karena dia mampu memanipulasi kedudukan. Seharusnya dengan suara yang dia peroleh, dia hanya bisa menduduki jabatan sekretaris. Tapi, uang berkata lain. Kendati Pak Doyoung menentang tindakan politik itu, Kepala Sekolah menekan sang Pembina OSIS untuk menjadikan Bagus ketua OSIS yang baru. Beruntung ada data terbuka yang tidak dapat diganggu gugat. Suara Ahmad bisa jauh melampaui suara Bagus. Dengan suara yang diperoleh Ayu, seharusnya dia bisa menjadi wakil ketua OSIS. Apa daya, dia harus dikorbankan demi ego sang putra Dewan Perwakilan.

***

Setelah sarapan, Renjun berniat untuk datang lebih awal menikmati taman kota dekat SMA Negeri 3 Malang. Ia membaca the Jakarta Post sambil menunggu waktu rapat tiba. Dia melihat stasiun di seberangnya dan menemukan sosok ketua basket sedang berjalan ke SMA Negeri 3 Kota Malang. Renjun tidak mengacuhkan lelaki itu dan melanjutkan membaca berita di koran yang ia pegang.


Catatan kaki:
1. Udah lamakah, bro?
2.  Tadi jam 10 kata info di grup. Aku juga baru tahu siang ini dari grup.
3.  Chan, ngapain sih ini kok ketua ekskul harus kumpul juga?
 4. Waka OSIS-nya tidak tegas, nih.
12.08.2016
Breeze of New Hope Posted at 5:59:00 am 0 comments (+)

I am a bit anxious to face the future alone.  Doesn't it happen to all of us,  no? The thing is,  it is much scarier inside my head.  I am talking about the way it brings imagination to be infused in the whole of my life. To be quite honest,  adulthood much like i-don't-fucking-know-this-before zone. It is always a challenge for those who don't fully understand what the adulthood is.  Talking about responsibilities, bills and dreams we wish to make it when we were kids. It is not easyyyyyyyy like what we were thinking!
Thanks universe I'm still alive after 26 years of encountering the world. It is not easy but it will worth it someday.

10.08.2016
Hate Posted at 2:00:00 pm 0 comments (+)

I hate this person vehemently.
Wholeheartedly
And I just cannot understand  my self

7.24.2016
New Challenge Posted at 7:15:00 pm 0 comments (+)

So this guy, the dopamine inhibitor, finally decided to be in a more serious relationship with me. I don't know how to react on the one-week relationship. He is not the kind of overly romantic boyfriend but the person who challenge me to do the best part of my own. We got a super unconventional date which discussed about quantum mechanics and by the discussion, I know I'm not really good at delivering ideas. I decided to take a class because I feel I still need to learn on how I convey ideas. Which is awesome!
I don't know how long the relationship will go.. I just do my best on finding myself before I found that one.. (hopefully it's him)

7.08.2016
Fall and Break Posted at 12:32:00 am 0 comments (+)

So I did it again. I fell and break myself. I found my heart scattered for all the things I did. Thank you, Mr. Complementer. You did it quite well.
Thanks for all the movie and dinner. That was awesome. We seemed like..... dating.
Also thanks for your text. It was so nice. Now it is so heartbreaking after you gave me the news. That was terrific.
I have already understood why you hesitated to make a move. Ta dah!
I will find my own self and I'll be just fine. Thanks for everything. You traced a very elaborate good story. Brilliant.

7.03.2016
Lottery Challenge #7 Posted at 10:24:00 pm 0 comments (+)

I keep procrastinating for this one. The reason is, I really do not know what I want, after I made the lottery challenge 6.
I found my biggest challenge is myself. That I don't trust myself much. Like, really? Can I do that?
I found myself having this "low self esteem" and I don't have any reason for that. There are a lot of things to do and I don't even do one!
So if, if I got $200million, I would take a big step to do something. I would bravely tell myself, you're a big girl, just do it. What is the grandeur thing you want to mark this world? Grow two ovaries and be courageous. Do the fuck you'd dying love to do. Marketing? Communication? Environment issues? Those are the things you'd love to do. You're deriliously drifted to the source of happiness. You're an extrovert! Embrace the moment you spend with people. That you put the seeds of ideas you ingrain to others. That yes, education is not about something that you learn in the class but something you reap from the life. Education is not solely from school. Go swirl around the world and learn something. You love to explore and learn. It's the best moment you craft. Face the failures you dodge. You hate the moment when you seems uncapable of doing. That was the reason why you quit your last job. And that made you regret a bit. Just face it. The current miserable job? Darling $200million would not replace the smile of the students you teach. You will eventually leave. But those kids need to know that you don't hate the job. You just hate your stupid boss. You just hate her insane ideas and how you cringe everytime she put herself in the very unexplanable idiocracy. She is just a mere human with different path she takes for herself. Let her drown inside the big pool of idiot ideas of herself. You don't hate the job, you just hate the money you got. You already got $200million, milady. Build a company that integrates enviromental friendliness. Provide low cost renewable fuel. Create degradable plastics. Recycle plastics into good use. Do scientific research.
Live to the fullest. Hold hands and give hugs to people you love. Tell them you love them. Tell them they are precious. Thank them for being themselves. Embrace the moment.
Why you have to wait the $200million if you can grow the ovaries now?
Be courageous. You can do it without the grands.

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