Change

Twenty-four-hours is more than enough to change one's mind

Thank you for you presence in my life. We really had a nice time, back then.

thanks churchtechy

I thought I can fill the castle with all the things that we had done before. I thought I can do it for my entire life. I thought you will be the only inspiration for any heart-breaking moments. I thought you could last longer than this. Too bad that I can forget you this fast, recalling how that day, that very day, at the first time of my life I forgot your birthday. The day which is also remarkable for me, saying goodbye as hard as pulling out a bullet inside my throat. It's not necessarily fast counting the more one thousand days afterwards. Time is relative, and I thought, it's just too fast.
Well, here I am.
Some other people tend to say a moving on session, I prefer to say a late spring season. Regarding how many days I try to cope with without you. It was hard for me, but here I am.
I'm not bulletproof, I'm not heart-break-free, I'm not that strong.
I really want to share the song we sang together, the Tekken-something game we played together, but I really forget about them. It was a nice time, really.
So, happy belated birthday for you.
Thanks for everything, I miss you.

Commemoration

Your existence was vanished as time being
We were separated by your and my circumstances
It was years was years
We were young
Innocent and blazingly spirited
I was mesmerized by the love grown up inside me
The flash of your existence brought a fresh memory
of our laugh, our sound, our song
How are you?
I keep the wound open
to preserve your existence

[Not] Inside My Heart

pic taken from here

Sometimes I wonder why things changed so fast while it seems that I have done nothing. Comfort zone is poisonous. You will never know how much your progress is and how much your ignorance brings harm to you. You never know.

I try so hard not to fall in the safe zone but here I am. I fall and get pampered. It is like I fall in a soft pasture, feel everything goes well, and ... later on realize that everything goes wrong. I should not did that and here comes the regret.

Sometimes you need shade to see the bright side. You have to see the bad things to build your optimism. You should live in a desert to measure how your endurance is and to be more grateful on finding any oasis in your life.

Staying positive means you have prepared for the worst

Licorice

photo taken from deviantart

You let my head fills with your word. It bubbles my head, lets my head fly to the sky, and lifts my head to the clouds. Guess I was wrong but I know that I soon fall. Hard. Bruised. Your words crowd my head and crush the cell brains. I know you’re killing me but I goddamnly need your love.

You soon take my heart away. You rob mine. I thought the arrow saved it from you, but I was wrong. You pull the arrow right away, and whisk my heart, which attached to the arrow. I moan so hard and start wishing you could keep it safely.

I keep your words. I snatch your word and hold it tight I might crush it. I hold on to your words and collect it in case you’ll leave me. Nevertheless, yes I was wrong.

You are. You left me. You run away from me. I try to bring your words to you but soon they crumble. Vanish. Disappear. Like they do never exist. I charge towards you.


And you’re gone.You demand me to sip the absinthe. Here I am, paralyzed by your licorice.

Traumend - a fan fiction

He comes to my apartment today. It is like the same thing happen in this several month of our relationship. Sometimes he talks a lot. Sometimes it is just silence. Like what happens today.

I mean, why should you come to my apartment if you only give me strange silence like this?

“Don’t you want to eat? I’ve prepared some dinner for you.”

He replies with a nope answer. Full stop. He opens his laptop on the dining table, puts his earphone on the left ear, starts working AND here come the great silence.

I eat my dinner by myself and he is busy with his laptop. We are together but we seems distant to each other. I still do not know about him. I look on him pensively. I play with my spoon. Then I spoon the food to my mouth v e r y   s l o w l y.

Yong Junhyung gets annoyed easily. Sometimes you do not really know what is wrong, but he is mad at you and you cannot help yourself when he is mad. On the contrary, when I mad to him, he ignores me.

It is unfair, my head says. And hell yeah, I get crazy because of this person and because I love him. I glare at him and lose my appetite. I shovel my food and swallow it quickly.

Have you noticed me when I am thinking about you too much like this? I look on the white dining table. He is unable to feel the way I am thinking now. His body is here but his mind is non-existent.

“Why are you sighing like that? Eat your dinner faster.”

Hell yeah. I am not alone right now. He is with me. How can I forget his existence?

I grab a glass of water, gulp it and clench my fist.

“I am thinking about you, Jun.”

“Hmm?” he is still busy with his laptop.

“I don’t think you love me. You are distant for me and I think we are not in a relationship at all when you do not respect me”

He keeps clicking.

I sigh.

“Like this.”

He stops his work and looks at me sharply. It is still cold. I can feel a lump of ice from your sight. Am I worth to you? Do you even count me when I can stand by you on your hardship? Do you know how much I love you and how I sacrifice myself to pursue my dream- you?

“What is your purpose on coming to my apartment?” I shout to him.

“To accompany you, of course!” he shouts at me back.

“Then, how come you call this as accompany?”

“Now, you don’t allow me to do my work? Fine!”

“It’s not about your work, Junhyung! At least give me five minutes to have a chat or any kind of communication like what other couples do. Five minutes will not ruin your work, you know!”

He lost his word. I know that he clenches his jaws. I flounce out the dining room.

“Ri-in!¹”

I run to my bed and let the warm substance flow on my cheeks.

“SOORIN!”

I slam the door and weep bitterly.

. Traumend is wound. Germans know this thing. Dream can spoil your life and hurts you badly. It is wound. It is trauma. The word traumend means dream in German.

I was the one who dream of being your girlfriend, Jun. I don’t care whether you think the same way as I am. If you want to break up, I will give you chance. I do not mind about it, Yong Junhyung. It is enough. More than enough.

***

We have a breakfast in the canteen. It’s Lee Gikwang– a best friend of mine –and I. Not Junhyung and I. Gikwang always accompany me and listen to my whines – of course it always about Junhyung. He never defends nor scapegoats for Junhyung- but one thing is he almost every time asking me to give up on him. However, he is a nice friend who has the shoulder to cry. But yes, I never and will never cry to this man.

I bite my croissant a bit and sip my hot chocolate. It is a nice morning where only a few people around us. I need a kind of silent treatment after my outburst to Junhyung last night. Thanks God, the creature in front of me doesn’t speak any word too. Maybe he already knows about this, but how come?

“Your eye bags”, he said

“Huh?”

“You should eat well and take plenty of rest. Did you sleep well last night?”

“Not quite.”

I sigh.

Gikwang seems understand about my condition. He throws a please-not-Junhyung-anymore look.

“Yes, it’s Junhyung.”

And he sighs.

Oh yeah, it is me the one who is a cliché or he really can read my mind, only heaven knows.

We continue our breakfast silently.

You know, it is strange but, when I have the silent like this, I just feel comfortable. It’s not strange at all. I mean, the silence is the same, right. But why it feels differently?

“Is there any resonance for silence?”

“Pardon me?”

“You know, sound have its resonance. Don’t you think that silence also have the resonance?”

“It has.”

“You tell me.”

We continue our breakfast with the conversation until I scream like hell.

“Gosh! How can it is already 8.10!”

Gikwang shrugs his shoulder and smiles. He pats my head.

“Calm down. Goodbye and wish you luck…”

I smile to him and say goodbye. What did he do? Now my heart feels lighter than before. I rush to open the door. The co-worker notices me as I arrive.

 “No problem. The boss hasn’t come yet. You should have some design for A-Pink costumes. Here is the description and the concept for the performance.”

“Suuuure..” I read the instruction follows,” It’s so cute! Okay, thanks!”

***

I gulp down a glass coffee and fill the glass again impatiently to gulp it down. I need this freaking caffeine to fight my weak body.

“Whoa... Hold it down, Soorin-sshi². It is already the fourth glass,” says Cyclops-my co-worker seriously.

“You can take a rest… You just fill yourself with poisonous chemical later. Go!”

I really feel bad about myself; I make Cyclops worry about me.

“No, thank you. That’s a kind of you, Cyclops.”

“You have to, Soorin.” a strong voice comes from the front part of my office.

“You don’t have the right to do so.” I burst out angrily.

Cyclops comes out and stares at him. “Is that true?”

I ignore both of them and start working. Junhyung grabs my wrist.

“Ri-in, this is not what you …”

“What’s the matter with you? I feel fine, Jun. And yes, I certainly say, we can break up today, if you wish”

“Soorin!”

“What? You shout at me? It’s an old trick, Jun! You just cannot do this thing over and over again.”

“Look, don’t you know that those managers were getting crazy because somebody post our photos. That is why this relationship case arises.”

“Whoa whoa! Don’t you know that recently many people cursed at me? No? If you care about your career, I care about my life. You’ve got a better girlfriend, eh? It’s a good news. And you can be more relaxed since our gossip is over, that’s another good news. And you know what, all you got is good news. Congratulation!”

“It’s. NOT. like. what. you. think. Soorin! Now listen to me…”

“Could you please quiet it down? Thank you!”

“Ri-in..”

I ignore him; wish that he could leave the room soon. He glares at me sternly. I never see a glare like that– if looks could kill. He clenches his fist and leaves the room after somebody calls upon. I begin to sob.

“You…”

“No, Cyclops, Not today…”

“Okay, Soorin. I hope you can do your work well,” Cyclops replies awkwardly.

I try so hard to concentrate and keep working. My head feels so heavy. No, I can win this game of life. I am strong than anybody in this world. This thing won’t kill me at all.

***

Trapped in this very feeling had made my eyes swelled up so bad. I just gave blank glazes to the TV programs. The gossips were killing me. It was he and she. It was Junhyung and a girl from a famous girl band. I knew they were just trying to cope with our gossip, which slowly spread in the social media. I knew Junhyung needs his fans to feed himself. I knew that his management company hired him needs money to feed their family. I knew Junhyung is a money machine for them. One thing, did they ever think of the wounded lover here? I have been wounded by his ignorant. Now, I could feel a real knife stabbing right inside my heart. I began to sob again.

“Soorin..”

I really wished it were Junhyung, I knew it was somebody else. I wiped my tears quickly and whispered loudly.

“It’s unlocked, Gikwang…”

Gikwang opened the door slowly and shut the door.

“Hey…”

“Sorry that I’m messed up…”

“No no no.. It’s fine, babe… “

He sat beside me so closely and began staring at me sadly.

“What? Do I look like an idiot too you?” I tried to joke around and laugh. He didn’t give any crack, I thought I just worsen the situation.

“You know that it was just a cheap gossip, Soorin-ah³…”

“Even if it is a truth, I dare to receive it, Kwangie…”

“Listen, you have your life, you deserve for it. How maaaaaaany times I’ve said about it. You just don’t deserve with that guy! I remind you, Soorin-ah. You are far more, a way too worth than that guy.”

I sigh. I was about to cry. You know, I have been hurt by Junhyung, and always fight for our relationship. It is hard and this is harder than I thought. Doubled with his non-existence.

“If you don’t have your life, I am willing to let you have my life…”

“What are you talking about, Kwangie?”

Gikwang hold my shoulder, kissed me on my lips, and then he embraced me warmly. I could not hold my tears anymore. I cried on his chest and fell asleep tiredly on him.

I find myself curled up in the morning, on my sofa. I remember Gikwang’s kiss and wish that it were only a dream.

***

We take a sit at a city park. Thanks God we live in Korea. Korea is astonishing countries when it has passed 12am. Everything goes quiet. It is only the two of us in this very morning. I am really glad that I live in this perfect country.

“You don’t sleep, Soorin-ah?”

“Do you?” and we chuckle unreasonably.

“I don’t think I can’t sleep well recently…”

“Hmmm”, he nods, “me too…”

“Why, Kwangie?”

“Recalling some sleepless day in the past when I’m unable to keep somebody awake…” he chuckles yet my cheeks flame.

“So, you really came to my apartment that day?”

“What do you think?” he asks playfully. I punch his back, curse him and jump to another topic. We have a nice conversation in this very morning. Well, at least I can control my coffee consumption today even I have another sleepless day. I am contented for this day. I know my life design. It seems that I can foresee my bright future with the person beside me. At least, I have pursued my dream as a costume designer. I look upon the sky and smile.

The euphoria ends when I pick up my phone. My ex is calling.

Note:

1.      Ri-in: pronounced as “Reeeen”, a kind of pet name for couple.

2.      –sshi: a suffix, it is used as addressing people in polite manner.

3.      –ah: a suffix, it is used as addressing people in friendly manner

I Just... Want to Do This with You

"Baby?"

I look upon my lover. He is going to be my husband. Soon.

"Are you alright?” I catch a worry inside his voice

"I'm okay, and I'm ready, my love...”

"Then, let's go...”

"Mind if I wear this?" I point my head.

"No, of course not. People are waiting, you know.

"Then you go first... The bride and the groom should not meet before the time starts, you know"

We giggle. Well, it is kind of nervous reduction.

"I'll go. You have to meet me at the place."

"Suuuureee" and we kiss

I take my step. I should meet my father but apparently, my parents decide not to come. I am about to sob. My lover's parents notice my going-to-be-sob.

"Don't cry my baby... Sssshhh"

"No I just...." I hold my tears.
The sound of music and the choir fill up this building of grandeur.

I am busy with my thought.

Well, we are technically married today. This is just not my way.

 I fix my hijab, just to recover my nervousness.

“Miss Annisa Jamal?”

Somebody calls my name?

“Baby….”

“Oh, yes?”

“Miss Annisa Jamal, do you take William Anthony Pierce to be your husband? Do you promise to be true to him in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health, to love him and honor him all the days of your life?"

My baby stares at me, waiting for my answer.

I hold his hand tighter to say, “Yes, I do.”

Hey, You

pic from probinglife.blogspot.com

I’m walking down to the road we used to walk together

We were holding hands

Share laughs and smiles

It’s now me with myself

I take a journey in your favorite place

You were here, hugged me and kissed me

It’s now me

Warming and embrace myself

How are you now?

Have you found the one?

Did you feel the same hurt as me?

It has been a long time

You have found your happiness, right?

I smile

I’m still here next to myself