Back in the days of passion and love, my partner and I made a kind of funny ideas. We both forgot our "day" when we were together. So, in convenience, we used every beautiful date like today. The last time we used the day was 18-08-18. We broke up shortly after that. The relationship vanished. Just like that. I didn't put myself in unpleasant emotions. Instead of facing the turmoils, I chose to date again to numb the pain. Since then, I was never be single. One heart leaded to another. All of the expense of not processing the pain I had to face.

Currently I am single. I tried my best not to make any relationship despite the fact that there were (or are?) invitations for me to have a relationship. Instead of putting myself in a relationship which probably going to doom to be broken again, I put myself to therapies. Finding my insecurities, fears, and all of the pain I've been carrying since whatever time I remember. Or not. I found it's much healing for me to reparent myself, being vulnerable, and connect in healthy ways possible.

A lot of things has been changing. Some remain the same. The thing is, I'm successfully regulating my emotions and thoughts. If I'm feeling triggered, I know what I need to do.

I miss being in a relationship, of course. But, if it's for the expense of losing and numbing myself again, I'd rather not doing it. If I'm in the relationship once more, I'd bring my best and worst self. For the better or for worse. Because I believe, being vulnerable is the key I have to connect with my partner. I'll take care of myself for now.