I think babies must get hurt the first time they breath, and discomfort actually makes us alive. I cannot recall the first time I breathe when I was a baby but I vividly remember the first time I breathe again after drowning.

I was swimming with my dad and my brother in a small river. If I visit the creek right now, I understand why my dad decided to swim in the place. It's so tiny. I was like OMG how smol I was back then??? In my memory, the creek was quite large. I didn't know how the wild natural cirrent of the creek somehow caught me but I was just drowned, suddenly. I cried to my dad, swallowed the water and maybe breathe in the water. For a split of second I could feel the velvety sensation on my nose. It didn't feel really harmful. Maybe my brain recalled how I breathe in the water of my mom's womb and it was safe. It wasn't safe anymore because I already breathe in the air for 8 years. My dad pulled me and I coughed. The water flushed from my system and the air went into my lungs. I felt that the air was like fire. It was really uncomfortable but necessary. The next day, I couldn't even speak. I might got infection. It resolves like 2-3 days without any medication. If you think about it, when we were baby, we swam in the water of our mothers'  womb. That's why the velvety sensation which apparently calmed me for a few second. It falsely felt safe.

If the water that supposed to kill me felt like soft velvety liquid, death could be as gentle as the kiss of the night. The night is cold but it is nice. It helps me to sleep. When I was 20, I dedicated myself to finish the line of life at the age of 30. I tried to get into a crash but I didn't manage to a huge crash. It was super small accodent but I got scared that I was wrong. Maybe death may not as gentle as I thought. I went to a psychiatry clinic afterwards. I told my boss I went to a doctor, a GP, but I got antidepressant since I had suicidal thoughts.

The psychiatrist told me that I need to feel. I don't need to think. And it confused me. What do you mean feeling????

I went on the medication for several years, then the psychiatrist decided to stop the medication. It seems alright.

Not until I got the job that I really wanted.

I didn't even function as a human being.

I put myself to a mental health facility like months afterwards and got my ADHD diagnose for the first time at the age of 32.

Isn't it crazy?

It feels like nobody knows I actually needed help since I was a kid.

I should have received the help like at least during my elementary school years. No help was available.

Instead of punishing me because I didn't bring that one huge bag (which is completely ridiculous for a child to forget), they should have been patient and gentle. I remember there was this one teacher who did vile stuff to me, trying to punish me because of my disability. I was revisiting the feelings and like heyyy I was 11? Calm down b**ch!!!

The diagnose of ADHD turned out just like how I experience the feelings. The things that puzzled me years back. Apparently, the frontal lobe is also the part of the brain to process emotions.

The first thing of the discomfort feeling I had felt like fire. The anger. The rage. The resentment. Any kind of curse words invented didn't help me to calm the fire inside me.

Then I felt super cold from the sadness. The grief. The disappointment. How did people fail me and throw me under the bus? This is literally a disability.

The diagnose felt futile.

Now I have a job. And I might ruin it.

(Okay, maybe it's a bit helpful, actually?)

Then I visited all the memories that I carried. I reframe the memories. Allow the discomfort just like I breathe again after drowning. Just like looking into my fire scar. Just like my undiagnosed ADHD childhood.