4.02.2025
Sitting With Discomfort Posted at 6:06:00 pm 0 comments (+)
As much as painful as it sounds, discomfort is just... something people naturally withdraw from. Babies processes all the sensory nerves to capture the surrounding and somehow universally feeling discomfort from the grass. If you try to put a baby's feet on the grass for the first time, they would try their best avoiding it. I heard that my father taught me how to stay away from the fire by allowing me to touch the fire from a candle. That way, he believed, he would make me safe from the flamable hazard. I perceived fire as a danger. It seems to work for the first or two years. Maybe three or four. I cannot recall. I was too young to remember. Until at the age of 8, I got super bored because I got chicken pox, and did an experiment with fire then burned my finger. Apparently, the burning sensation didn't stop me from burning myself. I still have the fire scar painted on my finger to this date.
Discomfort is essential.
I think babies must get hurt the first time they breath, and discomfort actually makes us alive. I cannot recall the first time I breathe when I was a baby but I vividly remember the first time I breathe again after drowning.
I was swimming with my dad and my brother in a small river. If I visit the creek right now, I understand why my dad decided to swim in the place. It's so tiny. I was like OMG how smol I was back then??? In my memory, the creek was quite large. I didn't know how the wild natural cirrent of the creek somehow caught me but I was just drowned, suddenly. I cried to my dad, swallowed the water and maybe breathe in the water. For a split of second I could feel the velvety sensation on my nose. It didn't feel really harmful. Maybe my brain recalled how I breathe in the water of my mom's womb and it was safe. It wasn't safe anymore because I already breathe in the air for 8 years. My dad pulled me and I coughed. The water flushed from my system and the air went into my lungs. I felt that the air was like fire. It was really uncomfortable but necessary. The next day, I couldn't even speak. I might got infection. It resolves like 2-3 days without any medication. If you think about it, when we were baby, we swam in the water of our mothers'  womb. That's why the velvety sensation which apparently calmed me for a few second. It falsely felt safe.
If the water that supposed to kill me felt like soft velvety liquid, death could be as gentle as the kiss of the night. The night is cold but it is nice. It helps me to sleep. When I was 20, I dedicated myself to finish the line of life at the age of 30. I tried to get into a crash but I didn't manage to a huge crash. It was super small accodent but I got scared that I was wrong. Maybe death may not as gentle as I thought. I went to a psychiatry clinic afterwards. I told my boss I went to a doctor, a GP, but I got antidepressant since I had suicidal thoughts.
The psychiatrist told me that I need to feel. I don't need to think. And it confused me. What do you mean feeling????
I went on the medication for several years, then the psychiatrist decided to stop the medication. It seems alright.
Not until I got the job that I really wanted.
I didn't even function as a human being.
I put myself to a mental health facility like months afterwards and got my ADHD diagnose for the first time at the age of 32.
Isn't it crazy?
It feels like nobody knows I actually needed help since I was a kid.
I should have received the help like at least during my elementary school years. No help was available.
Instead of punishing me because I didn't bring that one huge bag (which is completely ridiculous for a child to forget), they should have been patient and gentle. I remember there was this one teacher who did vile stuff to me, trying to punish me because of my disability. I was revisiting the feelings and like heyyy I was 11? Calm down b**ch!!!
The diagnose of ADHD turned out just like how I experience the feelings. The things that puzzled me years back. Apparently, the frontal lobe is also the part of the brain to process emotions.
The first thing of the discomfort feeling I had felt like fire. The anger. The rage. The resentment. Any kind of curse words invented didn't help me to calm the fire inside me.
Then I felt super cold from the sadness. The grief. The disappointment. How did people fail me and throw me under the bus? This is literally a disability.
The diagnose felt futile.
Now I have a job. And I might ruin it.
(Okay, maybe it's a bit helpful, actually?)
Then I visited all the memories that I carried. I reframe the memories. Allow the discomfort just like I breathe again after drowning. Just like looking into my fire scar. Just like my undiagnosed ADHD childhood.
I'm sitting with the discomfort once more.
Avoiding discomfort doesn't help me much. I might not knowing how painful fire is to my skin, so I accidentally burn myself. I might breathe under water and not able to write this blog. I just died. Maybe, I was in a soul crushing job, wishing a death everyday, unknowingly that I just need a help from health providers.
Sitting with discomfort actually allows me to thrive.
I just finished a serial that I avoid for years because it gave me discomfort. Too much feelings close to home. I just had the courage to watch it just like few days ago. Strangely, I enjoyed the discomfort. The feelings are there to be felt.
Maybe,
Courage one step at a time in discomfort.
Because discomfort makes me alive, thriving, and kicking.


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3.21.2025
What is Grief if not Love Persevering Posted at 1:52:00 am 0 comments (+)
I visit this blog ALWAYS when I got heart broken. I wonder why.
Fifteen years passed by and I'm still the same old me. I live in the big city now. Understanding why I keep chasing dopamine (hello, ADHD my old friend), stop being suicidal (but entertaining dooms day fantasy), still teaching and trying to get out (I DID ONCE, I SWEAR BUT I GOT LAID OFF HAHAHA), still hate HATE administration (I just did my report!!! PAST MIDNIGHTTTT), and still finding courage. I'm embracing my broken part, honoring the ways Universe wants me to be, and ofc I'm crying. I always cried on the way home after school. How do people expect me to change? I went to school and cried on the way home. I went to work and people expect me not to cry???? Wdym?????
So I cried because the country just finalize military law. I got triggered and genuinely scared. I don't know how my future holds.
For some reason, attending this sadness comes with a wave of griefs. All the sadness that buried because i was lazy resurfaced.
What is grief if not love persevering?
Of course I'm going to this place. I feel sad. It's the comfort I need. Where can I poured my love?
So thank you for holding the place.

I read this story (made by ChatGPT) and I'm crying now. I know I'll be fine.

The Orchids

The air was warm with spring’s breath, and the sun filtered through soft clouds as you strolled past the flower market, drawn by a familiar scent—orchids, vibrant and tender, just like a memory long buried but never quite gone. You stopped in your tracks, captivated by the way the light kissed the petals, lost in the calm yet aching beauty of them.

Still your favorite, huh?” a voice broke the silence, hesitant but gentle.

You turned sharply, eyes wide. There he was—Woong, hands in his pockets, half-smiling, half-uncertain, as if he wasn’t sure if he was allowed to speak to you. His presence hit you like a ripple in still water—unexpected, but not unwelcome.

Woong?” you blinked, and a soft, awkward chuckle slipped from your lips. “You’re here?

Yeah... I uh—” he scratched the back of his neck, looking sheepish, “I’ve been trying to grow an orchid lately... took it as a challenge, you know? Thought it’d be a nice hobby... but man,” he sighed dramatically, “it’s super picky. Beautiful, but everything seems wrong. I either water it too much or not enough... I think I’ve officially murdered three so far.

You couldn’t help but laugh, the tension between you both softening. “Sounds about right.” You looked back at the flowers, eyes thoughtful. “But you know, orchids are actually aerial plants—they’re meant to live free, clinging to trees deep in the forest, not in pots. They’re not picky, they just need the right environment to thrive.

Woong’s eyes widened, genuinely intrigued. “Wait, really? I didn’t know that... that makes sense.” He paused, then chuckled. “I think I know exactly one person who resembles that orchid.

You raised a brow. “You?

He smirked, shaking his head. “No, you.

You blinked, surprised by the unexpected softness in his voice. The silence that followed wasn’t heavy—it was light, like a breeze carrying away old tension.

With a small smile, you pulled out your phone and swiped through your gallery. “Look, this is where I was last month, doing research deep in a tropical island. These orchids grow like wild there—on trees, thriving in their natural chaos.

Woong stared at the pictures in awe, then laughed in disbelief. “I don’t even know where that is. You always did go places I couldn’t follow.

You shrugged lightly. “Not couldn’t, just didn’t. That’s okay.

Another beat of silence. Then Woong smiled softly, extending a hand for a casual shake, but it lingered slightly. “It’s good seeing you like this. You seem... right.

You nodded, eyes gentle. “You too. Thanks for the orchid chat. Take care, Woong.

You too.” He stepped back, then turned, walking into the crowd.

And just like that, you both carried a light memory, like petals drifting on the breeze—beautiful, unburdened, and finally free.


Specially crafted to honor my relationship with former partner. Somehow chatGPT explains perfectly about the way he did and how we broke up (partially, because i want a heartbreaking yet healing arc). That's the feeling I have. I'm proud that I'm courageous in my way: embracing vulnerabilities and sharing here.
It's just love and I'm pouring here.
Goodbye, you.  

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4.16.2016
Depression Posted at 10:35:00 am 0 comments (+)

Recently I got diagnosed for having general anxiety-depression that cost me some bunch of money. That's true that I have this urge to kill myself and I need medication on that. Some sceptics plainly stated that I got too much pressure. I don't feel any pressure and somehow all my days were filled in empty feelings that I might numb when I died. So I had discussion with my friend about suicide. Suicide might seems as the only way when there is no other way. What actually happened was, suicide is non responsible way to solve something. You leave the people you left behind raw and what you have to do is taking responsibility on yourself. Part of me disagreed but then I took the action. I should undergo a medication that enables me to view the world in certain way. In a more positive way. Going to a psychiatrist doesn't prove that your mad. Going to a psyciatrist proves that you are aware of your own mind health and proves that you take the responsibility on yourself.

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12.18.2014
Old Me, New Number Posted at 6:32:00 pm 0 comments (+)
As the days passing by and all the world keeps constantly changing, myself and I left this world in an awe. Well, to awe might be just too much. It might be better as "feeling appalled" by all the people doing, the nano actions people do every day and they create their own Big Bang while it's me the one who left behind in 318589732897489 millions years trying to baby stepping every single thing.

No matter how much the effort I'm making, I'm feeling so much just yesterday, any other day, a year before, 20 years before. I'm not doing any kind good. Letting the world knows my vulnerabilities in the wide web world continuously bring uneasy feeling. It's like getting naked in a super formal setting and I'm just to awkward even for blinking my eyes.

But reading all the posts I made years before, I can view myself better today. All  the dramas, all the arguments I made with my mom, my previous bad workplace (even though my current workplace is not better too), my hellish skripsi thesis, my exes, and my feelings toward myself is now just getting better. I don't know it's a kind of progress or is it the new me with the new number clicking down biologically inside this mortal body. I just don't know. The rampage I vomit using subtweets which my closest friends might feel uncomfortable with their whole screen full of rants is decreasing day by day. I also commit on mobile diet - I don't bring my phone all the day and I'm all doing fine. My mom is the best angel ever sent to Earth. I'm getting a work in a company. My exes and I are no longer in contact though sometimes we do have chats but that's it. No drama. My hellish skripsi carved my name into somebody who have a bachelor degree and I'm feeling a little proud of myself for conquering this little quest. I might not yet a successful person but all these baby steps lead me somewhere - the faint light in the end of dark humid tunnel I'm following.

I might getting older judging by the words I use today or probably it's just the old me along with the new number.

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