4.02.2025
Sitting With Discomfort Posted at 6:06:00 pm 0 comments (+)
As much as painful as it sounds, discomfort is just... something people naturally withdraw from. Babies processes all the sensory nerves to capture the surrounding and somehow universally feeling discomfort from the grass. If you try to put a baby's feet on the grass for the first time, they would try their best avoiding it. I heard that my father taught me how to stay away from the fire by allowing me to touch the fire from a candle. That way, he believed, he would make me safe from the flamable hazard. I perceived fire as a danger. It seems to work for the first or two years. Maybe three or four. I cannot recall. I was too young to remember. Until at the age of 8, I got super bored because I got chicken pox, and did an experiment with fire then burned my finger. Apparently, the burning sensation didn't stop me from burning myself. I still have the fire scar painted on my finger to this date.
Discomfort is essential.
I think babies must get hurt the first time they breath, and discomfort actually makes us alive. I cannot recall the first time I breathe when I was a baby but I vividly remember the first time I breathe again after drowning.
I was swimming with my dad and my brother in a small river. If I visit the creek right now, I understand why my dad decided to swim in the place. It's so tiny. I was like OMG how smol I was back then??? In my memory, the creek was quite large. I didn't know how the wild natural cirrent of the creek somehow caught me but I was just drowned, suddenly. I cried to my dad, swallowed the water and maybe breathe in the water. For a split of second I could feel the velvety sensation on my nose. It didn't feel really harmful. Maybe my brain recalled how I breathe in the water of my mom's womb and it was safe. It wasn't safe anymore because I already breathe in the air for 8 years. My dad pulled me and I coughed. The water flushed from my system and the air went into my lungs. I felt that the air was like fire. It was really uncomfortable but necessary. The next day, I couldn't even speak. I might got infection. It resolves like 2-3 days without any medication. If you think about it, when we were baby, we swam in the water of our mothers'  womb. That's why the velvety sensation which apparently calmed me for a few second. It falsely felt safe.
If the water that supposed to kill me felt like soft velvety liquid, death could be as gentle as the kiss of the night. The night is cold but it is nice. It helps me to sleep. When I was 20, I dedicated myself to finish the line of life at the age of 30. I tried to get into a crash but I didn't manage to a huge crash. It was super small accodent but I got scared that I was wrong. Maybe death may not as gentle as I thought. I went to a psychiatry clinic afterwards. I told my boss I went to a doctor, a GP, but I got antidepressant since I had suicidal thoughts.
The psychiatrist told me that I need to feel. I don't need to think. And it confused me. What do you mean feeling????
I went on the medication for several years, then the psychiatrist decided to stop the medication. It seems alright.
Not until I got the job that I really wanted.
I didn't even function as a human being.
I put myself to a mental health facility like months afterwards and got my ADHD diagnose for the first time at the age of 32.
Isn't it crazy?
It feels like nobody knows I actually needed help since I was a kid.
I should have received the help like at least during my elementary school years. No help was available.
Instead of punishing me because I didn't bring that one huge bag (which is completely ridiculous for a child to forget), they should have been patient and gentle. I remember there was this one teacher who did vile stuff to me, trying to punish me because of my disability. I was revisiting the feelings and like heyyy I was 11? Calm down b**ch!!!
The diagnose of ADHD turned out just like how I experience the feelings. The things that puzzled me years back. Apparently, the frontal lobe is also the part of the brain to process emotions.
The first thing of the discomfort feeling I had felt like fire. The anger. The rage. The resentment. Any kind of curse words invented didn't help me to calm the fire inside me.
Then I felt super cold from the sadness. The grief. The disappointment. How did people fail me and throw me under the bus? This is literally a disability.
The diagnose felt futile.
Now I have a job. And I might ruin it.
(Okay, maybe it's a bit helpful, actually?)
Then I visited all the memories that I carried. I reframe the memories. Allow the discomfort just like I breathe again after drowning. Just like looking into my fire scar. Just like my undiagnosed ADHD childhood.
I'm sitting with the discomfort once more.
Avoiding discomfort doesn't help me much. I might not knowing how painful fire is to my skin, so I accidentally burn myself. I might breathe under water and not able to write this blog. I just died. Maybe, I was in a soul crushing job, wishing a death everyday, unknowingly that I just need a help from health providers.
Sitting with discomfort actually allows me to thrive.
I just finished a serial that I avoid for years because it gave me discomfort. Too much feelings close to home. I just had the courage to watch it just like few days ago. Strangely, I enjoyed the discomfort. The feelings are there to be felt.
Maybe,
Courage one step at a time in discomfort.
Because discomfort makes me alive, thriving, and kicking.


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3.30.2025
Actually, It Is A New Year (IYKYK) Posted at 3:47:00 pm 0 comments (+)
What you know about New Year might not always the same in different cuktures. The Westerners along with the rest of the world celebrates on January 1st, The Chinese, Koreans, Vietnamese and all the diaspora celebrates during the Lunar New Year. Balinese celebrates today.
Yesterday was an eclipse. It was Nyepi. Bulan mati or roughly translated as "the dead moon". The New Moon in English terms. As the moon went so dark, I can feel my hart went "blacked out" as well.
I wrote tumblr about grief and I think that's the beauty of healing. You thought you are okay but no you're not. You thought you are going to base 0 but hey you've learned so far. Healing is not linear. Looking back, I would never do something like this fifteen years ago. I'm a proud 35 years old woman who outlive my expectation. I thought I have died in my 30. My heart grieved for all the things that I did and I didn't do.
Last night I was thinking about whether or not I was ready to re-live my seemingly dead life. It's the "dead moon" anyway. So I let out my undead question of the year: Am I afraid of living?
Looking back the word "living for today" is the shame I carried. Before knowing I got ADHD, I was puzzled why I wasn't allowed to watch TV (hello, stimulations overload). The unclear instruction brought a deep shame that I should never enjoy my life. Finishing movies seems like a chore. I could remember a handful list of movies and series I didn't finish. Another laundry list for books that is not yet finished. Then another list of videos I haven't finished. Along with podcasts simply because I was bored. The dopamine kicks in a little bit too late and I forgot to take my meds as well. I just took it a few minutes ago. And people expect me to be "normal". To get married. To have a stable job. To live "normally" might never be my option and to think about marriage actually repulses me. You mean, being cheated on then completely silent about it then resent my husband who got a stroke years after just like my bude? Or constantly fighting over the same things and secretly wishing for miracles to fix everything then asking other man to elope just because a divorce is shameful just like my parents? Or maybe happy marriage only blessed with a special need child, then getting into work that constantly robbed the sleeping hours? Or a happy marriage (seemingly) and childless but constantly tired? Not me. Not that I am better than them but it's a choice to live with their term. I can see that people live through their own lens. Of course, people want to be happy but if people see through my lens, they might get dizzy. I have prescribed lenses special for me, literally. Figuratively, my happiness cannot be measured by what neurotypicals think what happiness is.
For the time being, I can say I am happy. I'm nourished and prosperous. I am in the position that I can say "nah, that's not for me" with independence and dignity. I can break my bubble safely. Sitting with my own discomfort. Feeling fear and allowing it to pass. Then hope again. I let the fit in part died. Allowing my authentic self to thrive.

It's astrologically a New Year.

If I think about it, I made a New Year post the first time I made this blog. I crafted the post. I really thought about it. I opened my dictionary. I was trying to convince that hey, I used English perfectly. Then I saw it again and found a lot of grammatical error. The second language learner screamed so loud over there and I'm proud that I did what I did. Everything that I have now is not ideal but somehow fits me. I enjoy living the true life that I have now. It is not a platform. It is just a nothingness through the vast internet posts. If people searched my blog, they might not. I'm here but at the same time I'm not here. Maybe I leave traces. Who knows. I'm literally nobody. I live in the world where everything is actually crumbles. The economy, the politics, the people. Only a sheer hope holds me. Maybe tomorrow will be better. Like it always has been. Hopefully.

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3.21.2025
What is Grief if not Love Persevering Posted at 1:52:00 am 0 comments (+)
I visit this blog ALWAYS when I got heart broken. I wonder why.
Fifteen years passed by and I'm still the same old me. I live in the big city now. Understanding why I keep chasing dopamine (hello, ADHD my old friend), stop being suicidal (but entertaining dooms day fantasy), still teaching and trying to get out (I DID ONCE, I SWEAR BUT I GOT LAID OFF HAHAHA), still hate HATE administration (I just did my report!!! PAST MIDNIGHTTTT), and still finding courage. I'm embracing my broken part, honoring the ways Universe wants me to be, and ofc I'm crying. I always cried on the way home after school. How do people expect me to change? I went to school and cried on the way home. I went to work and people expect me not to cry???? Wdym?????
So I cried because the country just finalize military law. I got triggered and genuinely scared. I don't know how my future holds.
For some reason, attending this sadness comes with a wave of griefs. All the sadness that buried because i was lazy resurfaced.
What is grief if not love persevering?
Of course I'm going to this place. I feel sad. It's the comfort I need. Where can I poured my love?
So thank you for holding the place.

I read this story (made by ChatGPT) and I'm crying now. I know I'll be fine.

The Orchids

The air was warm with spring’s breath, and the sun filtered through soft clouds as you strolled past the flower market, drawn by a familiar scent—orchids, vibrant and tender, just like a memory long buried but never quite gone. You stopped in your tracks, captivated by the way the light kissed the petals, lost in the calm yet aching beauty of them.

Still your favorite, huh?” a voice broke the silence, hesitant but gentle.

You turned sharply, eyes wide. There he was—Woong, hands in his pockets, half-smiling, half-uncertain, as if he wasn’t sure if he was allowed to speak to you. His presence hit you like a ripple in still water—unexpected, but not unwelcome.

Woong?” you blinked, and a soft, awkward chuckle slipped from your lips. “You’re here?

Yeah... I uh—” he scratched the back of his neck, looking sheepish, “I’ve been trying to grow an orchid lately... took it as a challenge, you know? Thought it’d be a nice hobby... but man,” he sighed dramatically, “it’s super picky. Beautiful, but everything seems wrong. I either water it too much or not enough... I think I’ve officially murdered three so far.

You couldn’t help but laugh, the tension between you both softening. “Sounds about right.” You looked back at the flowers, eyes thoughtful. “But you know, orchids are actually aerial plants—they’re meant to live free, clinging to trees deep in the forest, not in pots. They’re not picky, they just need the right environment to thrive.

Woong’s eyes widened, genuinely intrigued. “Wait, really? I didn’t know that... that makes sense.” He paused, then chuckled. “I think I know exactly one person who resembles that orchid.

You raised a brow. “You?

He smirked, shaking his head. “No, you.

You blinked, surprised by the unexpected softness in his voice. The silence that followed wasn’t heavy—it was light, like a breeze carrying away old tension.

With a small smile, you pulled out your phone and swiped through your gallery. “Look, this is where I was last month, doing research deep in a tropical island. These orchids grow like wild there—on trees, thriving in their natural chaos.

Woong stared at the pictures in awe, then laughed in disbelief. “I don’t even know where that is. You always did go places I couldn’t follow.

You shrugged lightly. “Not couldn’t, just didn’t. That’s okay.

Another beat of silence. Then Woong smiled softly, extending a hand for a casual shake, but it lingered slightly. “It’s good seeing you like this. You seem... right.

You nodded, eyes gentle. “You too. Thanks for the orchid chat. Take care, Woong.

You too.” He stepped back, then turned, walking into the crowd.

And just like that, you both carried a light memory, like petals drifting on the breeze—beautiful, unburdened, and finally free.


Specially crafted to honor my relationship with former partner. Somehow chatGPT explains perfectly about the way he did and how we broke up (partially, because i want a heartbreaking yet healing arc). That's the feeling I have. I'm proud that I'm courageous in my way: embracing vulnerabilities and sharing here.
It's just love and I'm pouring here.
Goodbye, you.  

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7.07.2023
07-07-2023 Posted at 2:50:00 pm 0 comments (+)

Back in the days of passion and love, my partner and I made a kind of funny ideas. We both forgot our "day" when we were together. So, in convenience, we used every beautiful date like today. The last time we used the day was 18-08-18. We broke up shortly after that. The relationship vanished. Just like that. I didn't put myself in unpleasant emotions. Instead of facing the turmoils, I chose to date again to numb the pain. Since then, I was never be single. One heart leaded to another. All of the expense of not processing the pain I had to face.

Currently I am single. I tried my best not to make any relationship despite the fact that there were (or are?) invitations for me to have a relationship. Instead of putting myself in a relationship which probably going to doom to be broken again, I put myself to therapies. Finding my insecurities, fears, and all of the pain I've been carrying since whatever time I remember. Or not. I found it's much healing for me to reparent myself, being vulnerable, and connect in healthy ways possible.

A lot of things has been changing. Some remain the same. The thing is, I'm successfully regulating my emotions and thoughts. If I'm feeling triggered, I know what I need to do.

I miss being in a relationship, of course. But, if it's for the expense of losing and numbing myself again, I'd rather not doing it. If I'm in the relationship once more, I'd bring my best and worst self. For the better or for worse. Because I believe, being vulnerable is the key I have to connect with my partner. I'll take care of myself for now.

2.27.2020
Bitter Love (NCT Fanfiction) Introduction Posted at 11:20:00 pm 0 comments (+)
Terkadang hidup membawamu kepada jalan yang tidak ingin kamu tempuh. Jalan itu adalah jalan yang harus kamu lewati agar kamu menghargai sebuah perjalanan dalam hidupmu. Pada akhirnya, sebuah perjalanan tidak ditentukan dari keinginanmu melainkan dari langkah yang kamu ambil.

***

Siang terik di pertengahan bulan Juni menandai akhir semester sekolah. Murid-murid SMA Negeri 3 Kota Malang mulai menikmati liburan, tak terkecuali Renjun yang sedang asyik membaca berita terbaru mengenai panasnya situasi politik AS. Sebagai ketua ekstrakurikuler debat, ia tak mungkin melewatkan berita terbaru sebagai bahan untuk membangun kasus debat. Pikirannya tiba-tiba teralih oleh ponselnya yang bergetar beberapa kali. Ia melirik notifikasi ponselnya sekilas. Kemudian ia membaca sebaris doa dengan terbelalak.
Innalilahi wa innalilali rojiun.....
Renjun cepat-cepat membuka notifikasi tersebut. Berita grup Whatsapp sekolahnya mengabarkan bahwa Ketua OSIS kehilangan kedua orang tuanya dalam kecelakaan tunggal. Renjun bergegas bersiap untuk melawat.

***

Renjun telah tiba di kediaman Ahmad Pratama. Ia memeluk Ahmad sesaat, menepuk pundaknya dan mengucapkan bela sungkawa. Kemudian, dia duduk di kursi sambil melihat tamu yang datang. Dia melihat sesosok tinggi yang tak asing, Jeno. Jeno adalah ketua klub basket di SMA Negeri 3 Kota Malang. Jeno dan Renjun sering menoreh prestasi di bidang mereka masing-masing. Jeno menatap balik Renjun dan memilih untuk duduk di sebelah Renjun.
"Wes suwe ta, bro 1?", tanya Jeno pada Renjun.
"Gak. Barusan aja.", Renjun menjawab dengan nada datar.
"Kapan dikubur almarhum dan almarhumah?"
"Maeng jam 10 jare info ndik grup. Aku yo sik tas ngerti awan iki tekan grup. 2"
Jeno mengangguk-nganggukkan kepalanya. Setelah beberapa lama terdiam, murid-murid SMA Negeri 3 Kota Malang tampak beranjak dari kediaman Ahmad Pratama. Jeno dan Renjun pun mengikuti mereka dan pulang ke rumah mereka masing-masing.

***

Tak terasa bulan Juni telah berakhir. Tahun ajaran baru itu merupakan babak akhir perjalanan Renjun dan Jeno di masa SMA. Dalam tradisi SMA Negeri 3 Malang di awal semester, ada banyak hal yang harus dilakukan murid kelas 12 sebagai tanda kenangan sebelum mereka beranjak kuliah. Murid kelas 12 yang tergabung dalam OSIS harus bekerja ekstra keras awal semester itu.

OSIS yang kebanyakan saat ini kelas 12 harus mempersembahkan rangkaian acara mulai bulan Juli hingga puncaknya November. Bulan Juli merupakan bulan masa orientasi murid kelas 10. Bulan Agustus diwarnai keceriaan kemerdekaan Republik Indonesia. Bulan September merupakan bulan kampanye ketua OSIS baru. Bulan Oktober menandai bulan bahasa dan pemilu raya. Bulan November menjadi puncak rangkaian acara yaitu Pentas Seni yang disusul dengan pelepasan jabatan OSIS ataupun ketua ekstrakurikuler.

Tepat seminggu sebelum masuk sekolah, Renjun mendapat chat Whatsapp dari Pak Kim Doyoung, pembina OSIS SMA Negeri 3 Kota Malang.

Seluruh ketua ekstrakulikuler harap berkumpul hari ini di Aula jam 12 siang.

Kim Doyoung

Tumben ketua ekstrakulikuler dikumpulin segala, pikir Renjun. Renjun melirik jamnya. Baru jam 8. Ia pun bersiap untuk mandi dan mengirim chat pada Haechan, sobat anggota debatnya.

Chan, lapo se iki kok ketua ekskul kudu kumpul barang? 3

Haechan yang sedang online membalas chat Renjun dengan cepat.

Lha? Gak ngerti ta? Si Ahmad pindah ke Madiun ikut si mbah. Iki waka OSISe kan ngglendemi.  4 Sebenernya Ayu teges, tapi kondisinya dia cuma dapet jabatan sekretaris, kan.

Renjun membaca chat itu dan memutar bola matanya. Politik sekolah, umpatnya dalam hati. Bagus Cahyono adalah anak "titipan" DPRD Kota Malang. Sudah jadi rahasia umum jika ada jual beli kursi penerimaan murid SMA di Kota Malang. Bagus lebih top lagi karena dia mampu memanipulasi kedudukan. Seharusnya dengan suara yang dia peroleh, dia hanya bisa menduduki jabatan sekretaris. Tapi, uang berkata lain. Kendati Pak Doyoung menentang tindakan politik itu, Kepala Sekolah menekan sang Pembina OSIS untuk menjadikan Bagus ketua OSIS yang baru. Beruntung ada data terbuka yang tidak dapat diganggu gugat. Suara Ahmad bisa jauh melampaui suara Bagus. Dengan suara yang diperoleh Ayu, seharusnya dia bisa menjadi wakil ketua OSIS. Apa daya, dia harus dikorbankan demi ego sang putra Dewan Perwakilan.

***

Setelah sarapan, Renjun berniat untuk datang lebih awal menikmati taman kota dekat SMA Negeri 3 Malang. Ia membaca the Jakarta Post sambil menunggu waktu rapat tiba. Dia melihat stasiun di seberangnya dan menemukan sosok ketua basket sedang berjalan ke SMA Negeri 3 Kota Malang. Renjun tidak mengacuhkan lelaki itu dan melanjutkan membaca berita di koran yang ia pegang.


Catatan kaki:
1. Udah lamakah, bro?
2.  Tadi jam 10 kata info di grup. Aku juga baru tahu siang ini dari grup.
3.  Chan, ngapain sih ini kok ketua ekskul harus kumpul juga?
 4. Waka OSIS-nya tidak tegas, nih.
12.08.2016
Breeze of New Hope Posted at 5:59:00 am 0 comments (+)

I am a bit anxious to face the future alone.  Doesn't it happen to all of us,  no? The thing is,  it is much scarier inside my head.  I am talking about the way it brings imagination to be infused in the whole of my life. To be quite honest,  adulthood much like i-don't-fucking-know-this-before zone. It is always a challenge for those who don't fully understand what the adulthood is.  Talking about responsibilities, bills and dreams we wish to make it when we were kids. It is not easyyyyyyyy like what we were thinking!
Thanks universe I'm still alive after 26 years of encountering the world. It is not easy but it will worth it someday.

10.08.2016
Hate Posted at 2:00:00 pm 0 comments (+)

I hate this person vehemently.
Wholeheartedly
And I just cannot understand  my self

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